My Blog, My Diary, My Life.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Dear Jared

I wasn’t planning on posting today, but after I read your comments, I felt I had to...
Jared said...
I've read a few of your different blog posts, and they've really helped me stick with it. I've been taking Cipralex since mid November (I think it was November 28th) . . . and just tonight I've been thinking more about ending my own life. I've been upped from 10mg to 20mg about 1 month ago, but I'm not feeling any effects at all. No side-effects, but no effects at all either. I'm not sure what to do . . . I have an appointment with my doctor next month but I'm not sure what can be done at this stage. Any advice? 
I understood from your comment that you’ve been taking cipralex since the end of November, lets call it December until today, which is less than two months? Correct me if I’m wrong on this…
Cipralex need some time to do its thing, and sometimes it can take up to three months until you’ll feel something. So keep at it and follow your doc orders.

You wrote “I've been thinking more about ending my own life.” . I know how it feels like, I’ve been there too, I know that you’re in this zone now where no one really understand what you’re going through and you feel like you just want to disappear but… what if…
What if I told you that in couple of months you’ll feel way better, what if I’ve told you that your life and feelings can be so different you’ll hard recognize them, what if I told you that everything is going to be just super in couple of months, would you still want to miss that?
You haven’t wrote much about who you are, what you do in life? How old are you? And who’s important to you in your life… I’d like to hear more about that so I can help you more.
You also wrote you’ve increased from 10mg to 20mg – I assume you’ll start feeling something very soon, I wouldn’t quit now anyways, you’ve already too some solid good serious steps in a good direction, give it some time.
Few things to consider:
  1. If cipralex doesn’t work for (but first you have to continue taking it until your doc says) there are many other good alternative meds that can work for you and I’m certain you’ll doc will offer them and discuss it with you, if one thing doesn’t work – it doesn’t mean the other won’t work either, there are so many options, don’t lose hope.
  2. There are many other spiritual things you can do, to put your faith at something, something that’s important to you, that will help you keep going.
  3. No matter how low and down you feel right now, look at me I was there too and today I’m engaged to beautiful women, and I’m happy and cool 99% of the time. If it was possible for me it’s possible for you too.
  4. Read the comments of other friends in this blog – you are not alone; we are all in the same boat just with different distance from shore. (That was a good metaphor wasn’t it?)
  5. Another thing I’ve learned is that you have to think outside the box, this sentence got a deep meaning I won’t get into that right now but, you should try and learn about the medical point of view of things, read books and watch films about psychology, fear, depression, NLP, coping with depression etc’, this is one of the things I did in the beginning and it really helped me too.
  6. ALWAYS PUT THINGS IN PROPORTION – if it’s hard for you to do this – just turn on CNN or any other news station :) …
  7. Talk about it – talk about how you feel with your doc, with your friends or family or me, but keep the talking rolling – its important in a sub conscious level too, that will help you find solutions too.
  8. Get a hobby, find something that you like doing, I for example started building things from wood, so I really like woodworking and it clears your mind.
  9. NEVER GIVE UP – remember this- we’re all going to die eventually anyway, so what do you have to lose?! Keep trying and trying and trying until you get yourself to where you want to.
  10. Eat, drink, run, laugh, spend time with friends and family, do things you enjoy doing, love.

Ok Jared, hope this help you get back in the right direction.
Your life is a prize – and that’s how you should treat them.
Take care
Until next time.



Thank you for this post. I should start off by saying I've been on Cipralex for 70 days (counted how much I've taken etc.), so there's that. I'm 19, and I've been feeling the way I have for around 6 years and only just back in October sought out help from my college counsellor.

I do have a few hobbies - I play video games, read/watch movies/TV, and I play guitar and sing some times, never in front of other people though.

And yes, I've been doing a lot of reading about what depression is etc. even before I looked for help. I just wanted to know why I was feeling this way, but I never came with a solid conclusion.

It's just hard to have faith that things will go my way when I have this solid idea planted in my head that nothing good is going to happen in my life from now on.

I have very few friends that I can actually talk to about this - only 1 really, plus my parents. It feels like everyone in my life doesn't really care about me and is just forced to be around me and care about me in the way that you care about co-workers.

But anyway, I have decided to work through it for at least a couple more months, but I don't know if anything will work at this point. My doctor first said 2-4 weeks, then 2 months, and now that it's been a little over 2 months I don't know what she's going to say now...

Either way, thanks for your words and advice. I just don't know exactly how to work through this - i've never experienced anything this debilitating before. Faith seems difficult to come by, friends and loved ones even more so, and none of my old hobbies provide much joy or distraction any more.

Hello Johny, before reading your blogs I could n't imagine that I can be guided so properly.I had started cipralex 10 mg since November 2011 .It was after seriously wrong decision to drop a international posting/work and to settle down in a place where I did n't know anyone.Unscrupulously bold decision. Went into depression,lack of confidence,lack of faith and a victim of fear. I feel during these two months I am coming back to normalcy after a period of suffering of one year and 3 months . I feel strong mentally to take my charge and have started going for my walks and running again life.I face people boldly and able to face that I am single /alone and have taken a bold step to choose a living place where I don't know people. I fortunately had found your blog in the begining of my treatment time and quietly had followed your advises about alchohal and antibiotics etc. It worked ,trust me -it worked and medicine started working on me.Only problem I am facing is that I can't sleep well.I dream and dream. I tried to manage my dreams but failed . I have occasional feelings of fear of being alone -at least 3 to 4 times in 24 hours and then I try to administer my mind to stay positive .Still I have unspoken fear lingering in me all the time. It seems from your blogs that I will be finally well in all aspects ? Sarah

I started on Cipralex today. I'm 32 years old. I've never felt as worse about myself in my entire life as i have in the last 3 months. I'm crying myself to sleep, and sometimes I need to drink two shots of vodka just to be able to sleep.

I cannot emphasize how bad I feel about myself. I haven't thought about harming myself, but I feel utterly useless.

I was researching Cipralex and I found your blog. I hope it helps me because, right now, I'm at my lowest.

Thank you for this blog. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

I started cipralex two days ago and while obviously I won't be feeling the effects I found your bling while doing research and it has given me hope that I too will be able to one day control my anxieties.

Hey, I'm trying to research why I'm feeling so physically crummy, and came across this blog... I'm 31, and have been on cipralex for almost 2 years. I remember when I started on it, I was in rough shape and was prescribed 20mg right out of the gate. The weirdest thing I can only call "Squirrel Brain" was my biggest side effect. -ever seen the cartoon of that squirrel on coffee?!? that was me.. Any how, not long after, only a couple weeks, my scattered thoughts seemed to settle down a bit, and I was able to focus better. My mood did lift some, but not to a 'happy' state, just not as low. The big change was the lessening of my mood swings. I had been instructed to take my meds before bed, but found that I was waking up as exhausted as I went to sleep. Some research convinced me to try taking it in the morning instead. That helped immensely.
I'm down to 10mg now. I will definitely say that the cipralex has helped. I'm still in that well I lived in for so long, but now I'm up near the top where I can feel the fresh air instead of at the deep dark bottom.
The challenge I'm looking to address now is that I always ache somewhere. My back, my neck, my shoulders, my hips, feet... something. It's not debilitating or anything, just very annoying and it's starting to wear me down. I hate having to take meds daily to begin with, and don't want to have to take advil every day too!
I'm about 30LBs over weight, and can't shake the excess no matter what I do. I have no appetite, eat next to nothing (I live off coffee.. I know, bad!), but otherwise have a pretty 'normal' lifestyle. I keep up with 2 school aged kids and a demanding husband. But it still hurts.
I have no health insurance, and no family doctor. I live in the Yukon, so resources are somewhat limited. Fresh air, outdoors and beautiful terrain are in abundance.
Any ideas?

I read all of the comments and just wanted to say I am the mother of a 27 year old girl who feels the exact same way that you all do.
She was at her lowest and was harming herself and didn't want to live, and it seemed impossible to get through to her.
The only reason she didn't kill herself is because she thought I (her mom)would feel sad.
But she really wanted to - she kept saying that she didn't ask to be born, and that work, and visiting me and watching movies were all just distractions - that sooner or later she would have to reurn to LIFE.
It was VERY hard to get her to the doctor because she didn't see the point.
She finally agreed to try Cipralex and now it has been one month and she told me yesterday that she feels good.
Once she saw the teeniest glimmer of light, it opened the door to hearing positive talk, and the opening kept getting bigger and bigger that she finally seems to have forgotten how she felt not so long ago. Not forgotten actually, but she is not feeling the lowness and depression.
I am thankful, but I know that I couldn't do a thing.
It was hers to do.
Please hang in there!


just finished reading some comments on this blog and felt i too needed to contribute. I am a 44 year old mom to two great teenage daughters. I am also an american living in Europe for the past 18 years. I am an English teacher who has been a stay at home mom now for two years, and up until a month ago I couldnt cope with my life. I had anxiety attacks daily, i was getting severely depressed, always crying, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. I had fear in me about daughters, driving, walking, going shopping, sleeping, everything and anything provoked an unexplainable fear in me.My doctor recommended cipralex, its a month ago today that I have been on it and soo much has changed. I am n longer afraid to do the things i love, I walk 6km three times a week and take yoga twice a week and with cipralex I am feeling soo much better. I wont say i never have a panic attack, had one yesterday, but am able to control them better. have a doctors appt today, and I am sure i will continue to take cipralex for a few more months. I am glad I am taking it and I do see improvements, whoever out there feels the way I did before, hang in there, there is hope and soon you will feel better again.

Diana i can empathize. What dosage are you on? I just increased to 15 mg after 2 months for anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Each increase the anxiety is terrible, and I'm still obsessing. I haven't felt well for two months, and I'm really frustrated.

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Hey all,I've been on cipralex for two years now I am Egyptian,if u now anything about Egypt you should know we had a revolution I graduated when the revolution was uprising and couldn't have a job I had a problem with alcohol and lost my best friend when I was 16 all that together with a bad break up led me to get a panic disorder and depression 2 years ago now I am 24 I was accepted in a very good and well known bank I am in a relationship with a great guy who proposed to me and I am trying to get off cipralex its been a month now that I diminished my dose from 20 mg to 10 but all over the two years I've had depression episodes and hysterical episodes since I have cut off to 10mg the depression is attacking me more and more sometimes I sleep for 17 hours and I take that on my fiancée my love life is on the edge and I hate my dependance on cipralex,I feel that no one understands me and ofcourse everyone goes like you had problems now you have no reason to be depressed,the only thing that keeps me from committing suicide is that I am a Muslim and I believe ending your life won't get you to heaven I need help from someone who understands what I am going through in the last two years I have showed interest in sports and animal activism boxing,gyming and visiting the shelters I volounteered in helped a lot now I don't even feel like boxing or visiting the shelters I am always fighting with my fiancee and just today I broke up with him because he doesn't know what to do to make me happy anymore. Please help me

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